To Forage? Or to Hibernate. That is the question.

I've hit my spring drearyness. Either that or I'm dying. I'd like to think it's the former. For the past little while, with the beginning of this warm weather, I've felt pretty darn lethargic. If I'm not up and actively doing something, I'm falling asleep.

I've been worried that maybe I'm sick. Maybe this is a flare up of the dreaded Epstein-Barr that's been plaguing me since February of 2010. The symptoms don't quite match up, but the fatigue does. Of course, I've also been under a lot of stress lately. So maybe it's a stress tired?

Maybe it's all the coughing from being around smokers. It seems to give me a sore throat way down at the base of my throat too.

All these symptoms seem to have coincided with the introduction of the beautiful warm weather though. Allergies maybe? Or maybe it's working graveyard shifts all night. My body seems to be stuck between wanting to get up, get out and forage in the sunlight.....and to go back to winter and hibernate until I feel better.

At this point, I'm not really sure what to do about it. When I'm occupied with work, or talking with someone, or whatever, I feel fine. It's just when I'm on my own that I feel like I have trouble staying awake.

Bah. I would just like to feel better. *shakes her fist at the unknown ailment* screw you whatever it is.

A High Toned and Fancy To Do

So despite all my previous plans and intentions, I find myself currently sitting in front of a CNN live streaming of the Royal Wedding, wondering a little bit why I'm here....and perversely happy to be watching something as frivolous and hyped up as this is.

Thus far, my first impression is "HOLY HATS!" How do these women see? Or not repeatedly bash other people in the face? My second, is that I know less about England's famous figures, than I do Canada's. So all of these people they're tracking? Unless they've got a crown on, or a wonderfully accented introductory jive, I have no flipping clue who they are.

Which really, is just making this better and better.

There's been a lot of hype about this wedding. Both positive, and negative. I think that people need to relax....just a little bit. I don't know who else has noticed, but we as humans, tend to focus A LOT on the negative things going on in the world. Probably because they instill negative emotions, which are painful to deal with, and therefore create struggle and conflict within us and so we can remember them more easily.

So I think it's safe to say that NOBODY has forgotten all of the horrific things that are currently plaguing so much of our world. I think it's also safe to say, that sometimes? We just want to sit in front of the TV, and watch two beautiful (if not trivial to our lives) people, get married with thousands of other people not only cheering, but literally lining the streets to celebrate. Those bad things? Won't go away. But 11pm tonight we'll be bombarded with more horrific stories about how everything we touch, breathe, smell, look upon and live with is slowly and horrifically weakening/maiming/mutating or killing us. We'll also be reminded, that we are a hoplessly selfish, self indulgent first world country that sits on our fat asses and laughs or overlooks the plight of the less fortunate.

So now, at 4:45 am, watching people all done up in their best get up, smiling like lunatics and feeling part of something that is frivolous and ridiculous and way too high falootin to be considered a serious or world changing matter....I refuse to do anything but enjoy the spectacle.

And the hats. Lets not forget the hats. Because seriously, some of these hats are actually kind of mind boggling.

With my Royal Wedding cherry officially popped, I say: lighten up. It's just a few hours. The bad stuff will return. Of that you have my word. Plus: Elton John looks FABULOUS on live feed. :)

Peace and happy Royal Wedding day.

I am the Worm-Saviour. Koo koo kachoo.

You know those days, where you can smell the rain? Even when it's still a few days away? It's been like that for the past week here. It finally rained today, and it was amazing. And I mean, REALLY rained. The kind of rain that brings all the worms up onto the sidewalk like some kind of armageddon of the creatures beneath the earth.

Those worms always make me sad. They're in the middle of the pavement, lost, drying out or drowning. I save the worms. If they're still alive, I try and toss them back towards the dirt. Someone stopped me and asked what I was doing, and then laughed at me when I told him.

That makes me sad too. When it's funny not to want to kill things. When I express sadness during a movie when an animal dies, or about hunting methods that end up doing more harm than the good it's said regulated hunting does. Animals that are run to death without a chance to eat or drink. Hunters who shoot anything and everything.

Like mourning doves. Who mate for life. And literally mourn the loss of their partners. Forever. Now THAT'S devotion. Though I guess it goes against the evolutionary idea that the only real goal is to Survive, Thrive and Reproduce. It's kind of sweet. We usually don't think of birds doing something so......well, I was going to say human, but these days we hardly stay with each other for long do we?

I digress. I love animals. From big to small to creepy crawly inbetween. Even the bugs I hate like centipedes, I won't kill them myself. When I was 8, I trapped an earwig under the arm of a picture frame to kill it because it was crawling around inside the house. As it was struggling to either free itself, or die, I was struck by such overwhelming sadness that I ended up running away and getting my dad to kill it more humanely. I then spent the next few months worrying that I would reincarnate as a bug and somebody would kill me just as terribly.

I am distinctly pacifist. I don't believe that anything should die, and if it's a necessity (like killing mice who live in the house and could bring in disease), it should be quick and painless.

Today a coworker and I, spent a good 20 minutes listening to a pair of pigeons cooing to each other and watching them move around. It was....peaceful.

I don't really know what my point is. I'm rambling. I'm floating somewhere a third of the way down in a bottle of gin and tonic. But somewhere in there, is simply the belief that everything deserves respect and care. That being kind or gentle isn't something the deserves ridicule. It should be respected once in a while. Looked up to.

Because if we lose our ability to care for the things that don't come at us with maliciousness and spite....then it doesn't look good for how we treat each other.

I am the worm-saviour. Koo koo kachoo. See you outside the bottle.

Something is Rotten in the New Generation

Has anyone else noticed something amiss with the coming generations? No? Then you might be part of the problem (no offence). This isn't a new problem. I wrote a post about how humanity was doomed, and other posts commenting on parents who shouldn't have been parents and how ridiculous we as people generally are.

But as my job as a front desk representative continues, I'm starting to realize that the rotten core not only runs deeper than I thought, but starts much younger as well. Now, this isn't meant to be a diatribe on the "good old days" of taking a strap to your kids when they misbehaved. Nor is it a "woe is the world" tale of how we are all going to hell.

You know what though? There's something WRONG with the way we as a generation are growing up. I not only work days at the hotels I'm in right now, but also nights. I get to see and hear the FILTH and disrespect spewed out by young adults who are part of one of the most highly educated generations yet. I've watched drunk girls in stilettos and what might as well be duct tape, hike up their skirts and try to piss outside and then bad mouth the security guards who tell them to stop. I've seen guy after guy coming running into a hotel with security guards and police not far behind him, because he picked a fit with a staff member or another guest. I've heard adults asking other adults to please put out their cigarettes outside in the communal hot tub because there were children around, and heard the smokers cry "FUCK YOU."

In my own experience, I've watched my mother beg for more time, for compassion for what happened to us, for AID from my fathers brother, and watched her be turned away. Kids bash on doors they don't even know to accuse people of breaking the things THEY leave laying around in other peoples driveways (if that had been me as a kid leaving something in a driveway that got broken, my dad would have had my proverbial hide).

Guests come up to the desk and yell and scream and vent all over us from everything from rooms not facing a particular direction, to being angry at us because we can't have a security guard on every floor to stop the noise of people going into their rooms for the night, or the noise of snowplows outside that kind of HAVE to do their job, otherwise we'd be yelled at for not plowing out our parking lots.

Don't get me wrong, I've had some hilarious experiences with guests who were angry enough to bite my head off. Usually because the only thing to do after a horrible experience with someone really, is to laugh (of course only once they're well out of ear shot and whatever problem they DID have, rational or not, has been addressed). But story after story from security guard, desk agent and various other staff.....just depress me.

It's no wonder that people HATE us young adults (19-25 lets say for arguments). We're belligerent, drunk, defiant, rude, disrespectful, crass, loud, obnoxious and sometimes downright nasty. We talk back, fuck the world and destroy whatever we think we can get away with destroying. Don't get me wrong, I know some WONDERFUL human beings in this age category. Beautiful people with caring hearts, respect, dignity and a drive to succeed in life not only for themselves but to help others. I try to be one of those good people. But when someone much older than me, looks at me or treats me with disdain? It's not hard to understand why. It's funny how the numbers of us that are terrible, make so many of us decent ones seem terrible too.

I think when I first realized this, I was 15, heading into an apartment building when I caught sight of an older woman heading towards the side door. Chatting with my friend at the time, I leaned against the door to hold it open. It was a warm day, and I wasn't in a rush. But the old woman, started to run for the door, her face contorted into a sort of pleading dismay, as though she was waiting for me to just step inside and shut the door in her face. In her hurry, she fell and cut her shin and hand. I helped her up to her apartment, and the woman taking care of her - after she heard the story - looked at me like it was MY fault this had happened. I realize it wasn't MY fault...but I knew my age had played a factor.

This is what we've become in the eyes of so many. Spoiled young adults who know nothing about being on our own with so little respect that they act as though we're incapable of kind or thoughtful gestures.

I can't tell anymore if this is something wrong just with our generation, or if it's a problem with the world itself. All I know, is that the good ones of us, will eventually get tired of being treated with a lack of respect, generated in others because of the bad ones of us. In turn, we'll stop giving the respect that the adults claim they aren't getting from ANY of us.

It's not the dog eat dog world out there anymore. It's the humans who are the new problem.

Triumphant if not Damaged Return

Wow. I forgot this blog existed to be honest. Blasphemy, I know. I create a place that I mean to try and get my thoughts down, and then abandon...well....really myself for over 6 months. In all fairness though, I have a legitimate excuse.

7 days after my last post (which would make it September 8th), at 9:30 in the morning, my dad attacked first my mother and then myself with a 2 foot long socket wrench, hitting us both twice over the head. Through a scuffle that resulted in two broken cell phones, a lot of screaming and more details that I will bore you with, I managed to get the wrench from him, get my mom and I out of the house, and then call 9-1-1 to get us to a hospital. Mom needed 15 stitches and a night of observation, I got released with 7 and got to go back to the house of horror with my aunt, who drove up from Toronto to be with us.

He was arrested and taken to a mental hospital for observation for 6 weeks, and now he's serving a 9 month sentence for two counts of assault causing bodily harm, a lesser sentence than the police at the scene wanted, but in Canada if you've got a clean criminal record, you get a wrist slap for bludgeoning your family. Go figure. He'll be out end of June. So that's about 9 months total. Anyway, turns out he did it because he had not only BANKRUPTED us, but had wracked up almost 1 million in debt including a second mortgage against the house.

So for the last 6 months, my mom and I have tried to keep shit together while the bank breathed down our necks and we struggled to try and find the money to even just live day to day paying bills, buying food and gas. Dealing with constant car problems. We survived the winter, to all of our surprise. We may finally have an offer on our house, which would be a godsend.

It's been stressful. I had to take a year off of school and find work up here. It sucks.

We're doing ok though. I mean, it's terrible, and I still have nightmares, but we're surviving. I'M surviving. Despite all of my beliefs that I wouldn't, or that maybe it would have been better if I hadn't, I'm surviving.

And so here I am. I return. Triumphant, alive, if not a little damaged.

Ha ha.