I'm starting to understand desperation.
Not the desperation that comes from being in need of something. I'm not starving, or dehydrated. I have a home, and family. Yes, I've had loss this year, but I'm not in want of anything. I have opportunity, and a good work ethic. If I apply myself, I have confidence that I can achieve success in my life.
So what am I desperate about?
I'm desperate, to not be sad anymore.
"Ok, cry-baby, so stop being sad."
It seems like such a simple problem. Find ways to not be sad anymore right? The problem, is being so sad that you don't want to do anything. That even talking to someone you care about, is exhausting. So you don't. It's like being full of sand. You just kind of sit there, and stare at nothing. It's oppressive.
I made a pledge to myself for a while to stop being so sad. It worked a bit. Regular exercise and eating properly and trying to sleep properly helped. What I think was the best part though, was school. It kept me moving forward and forced me to get up and work my ass off. I hid in school work. I know I will next year as well.
HIding only lasts as long as whatever it is your hiding behind lasts though. Then the sadness comes back.
I understand. To anyone who feels sad. More than sad. To anyone who despairs. Despairs about anything, everything, or nothing at all. To anyone who feels like your despair is stupid, unfounded, ridiculous, irrational....it is all those things. Many of us don't have reason to feel it. That doesn't make it any less real though. Your sadness, your despair, the hopelessness. If you feel it, if it paralyzes you, the way it catches me, and holds me and drowns me....it's real.
I understand, the desperation, to be anything but sad. To do anything to escape the sadness. I do. There are ways to help the sadness though. I know I need to take advantage of them. I know that I will. Right now I can't, but I know how you feel.
I understand. Now I need to find some people who understand as well. Who can be patient with me. I hope that the people I love, never KNOW how I feel. I hope they can love me anyway though. Until I can find my way out of this. Even if I struggle to love back. Please understand.
Emotions are our bodies way of telling us something. Emotions, no matter how harsh they can be sometimes, can be useful. You're sad, depressed even. What else? Sometimes the act of naming emotions helps to identify the cause. It's okay to feel sad, it's also okay to let people know how you're feeling. Sometimes people are just sad, it doesn't make you weak, or ridiculous, or any of the describing words you're thinking about right now. Trying to deny emotions never let's you get through them. Take some time, feel and express, don't hide it, and once you've expressed yourself go do something distracting. Listen to your favorite music, bake, draw, read... Just do something that doesn't connect to why your sad. Then once things are a little less overwhelming, think about why the things that make you sad actually make you sad as well as any other emotion tied in with it. Don't dwell and let it choke you though, find solutions. Having a fight with someone important for example? Think about what you want from the relationship using "middle way" thinking. Take into account what your emotions want but also what's reasonable and logical, then make a compromise. Then go talk to them. Describe the situation using non judgmental words, even words like "good", "beautiful", "perfect", and "tasty" are judgments, they are opinions and not facts. Then explain how you feel about it. "you...." statements can make people get a bit defensive. "I..." statements tend to be easier to hear. So "I feel X, Y, Z" is usually enough to get the message across. Then don't be afraid to ask for what you want, you don't need to explain yourself further or apologize for things you haven't actually done wrong. Always remember to validate them, it can be a tough conversation so thanks for listening. Be mindful of yourself, it's okay to have emotions and if you notice yourself or the other person getting worked up don't be afraid of saying you need a quick break and that you will continue this conversation in a bit and go back whenever you're ready. Be confident too! Don't stare at your toes and shy away but don't get loud either. Confidence isn't be aggressive or intimidating, a confident person can say what they want without needing to talk down. And finally, don't be afraid to negotiate if you are still sticking to your values. You're a tough cookie, but remember to give yourself some credit every now and again! Sit down and fill out a list of at least 10 things oh do well. Every time you sit down to fill that list out it gets easier and easier. Cut yourself some slack and good luck!!!!
ReplyDelete