Cancer.

I don't think there's a single word more devastating in the english language. Of course there are words that rock our moral fibres, that shock us, that instill hatred or disbelief or disappointment. But no other word, can instill the impending sense of doom (except maybe apocalypse) than Cancer, and I'm not talking about the crab.

I don't know anyone my own age with cancer, though up here, it seems a popular young persons death. I've known adults with it. They've all died. And my uncle has cancer. It's been 5 years, two surgeries that removed part of his colon and lung, 4 rounds of chemo, and some intense radiation. Now, he's scheduled for a third surgery that's basic intent, is to hollow him out like a jack-o-lantern, minus the ability to insert a candle to observe the pretty designs.

This is an aunt, whose first husband died of leukemia, no better than a vegetable, his eyes, brain, muscles, everything, totally liquified by scads of radiation that did nothing more than mow down a few cancer cells while the rest of them just pointed, laughed, and destroyed her husband and her daughters father.

Now, 20 years later with my new uncle, there was a toss up for a while as to whether or not he'd accept the surgery that we were all hoping would end the cancer, maybe for good. He blames my aunt for the illness, and generally hates the world. I had hoped he would decide to try to live.

But I didn't know his odds.

Even with said hollowing surgery, the doctors have given him a 20% chance of surviving past two years. And since the tumor is wrapped around part of the vagus nerve (one of the longest in the body that runs down into the legs), if the surgery doesn't go PERFECTLY, he could end up partially paralyzed.

Now, I'm definately not the person to go to for a silver lining view on cancer and survival. I'm a realist. So I always knew he was going to die. In my mind, I think I've already accepted his death. The biggest problem for me, is that when I see him? He doesn't look like a man dying of cancer. He doesn't look like a man with a simple, cellular anomaly that inhibits cellular apoptosis, allowing cells with mutated dna to replicate fast and out of control instead of dying the way they're supposed to.

He looks like my uncle. But my aunt's hair is falling out with stress. He's secluding himself away. He's selling his cars, the things he loves. He hasn't even had the surgery yet, he's scheduled for August, but he's preparing to die.

My dad keeps saying that 20% chance of life is better than 0.

I know he's going to die. I just wish he would LIVE with the time he has, with the chance he's given.

But cancer doesn't just destroy bodies. It destroys the lives, of everyone living around it.

It's by far the most devastating word in my world right now.