Relevance

Boston Legal is one of my all time favorite shows. It's funny, brilliant, cutting edge and always pushes the bar (HA! pun only just noticed). For those of you who haven't seen it, the show has a broad focus of characters that are all developed pretty well, but there are two specific main characters: Denny Crane, head lawyer (never lost a case) suffering from the beginnings of alzheimers, though he's convinced himself it's mad cow instead, womanizer and all around buffoon with surprising insights and the ability to pull case wins out of a hat like a magician pulls rabits and played by none other than William Shatner.

Second character is Alan Shore, a bitingly sarcastic, bordering on cruel womanizer who occasionally suffers from word salad, has a sex therapist that measures him for trousers (seriously) and can kick ass in court like NOBODY's business, played by the slightly rotund but always awesome James Spader.

Anyway, in a particular episode, Denny was chasing some skirt belonging to an old friend of his. The friend threatens him with a starting pistol, things get solved, and Alan comes in to talk about the incident with Denny. He makes a comment, about "How desperate we all are to be relevant."

I find myself feeling like Denny and Alan. Not that I'm going to go steal my friends girl, but I'm caught between wanting to feel relevant and wanting to be free. And I don't just mean relevant in life, but relevant to someone in particular.

I've had nightmarish relationships since I've started recognizing that people could pair up. I used to think that the only way to BE relevant, was to be with someone. Lately, the thought of being with someone in a relationship capacity, kind of makes me want to run screaming through the hills, burning the fields behind me, hoping that the person chasing me dies of smoke inhalation (DISCLAIMER: Cee does not endorse arson and would never do such a thing because she likes life and does not want to kill anyone.)

But heartless hookups make me feel cheap and not all that special.

So my connundrum, is the desire to feel like I mean more to someone than a f%^k and chuck, but to not have to be emotionally attached in a relationship type capacity, what with the sharing of feelings and the being smooshy and talking about the future together and...and....*trails off into over dramatic gags*.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not panning relationships. Just MYSELF in one.

So I've decided to find relevance elsewhere. In myself, in the work I do, in my accomplishments. So far, I'd say I'm feeling much better in general about myself.

But someday...I hope that I can find someone who doesn't make me want to dry heave.